DRAMA How Cúchulainn got his name!

The True Story of Cúchulainn

N1: Ladies and Gentlemen, girls and boys

We'd greatly appreciate a little less noise.

N2: As we the pupils of 5^th & 6^th Class

Take you back through the looking glass

N1: And tell you the story with no leg pullin'

Of the wondrous deeds of young Cúchulainn

N2: Of course that wasn't always his name

You remember with his friends he was playing a game

N1: Was it football, table tennis or chess?

I wonder if anyone out there can guess?

N2: He was playing hurling - you guess it right.

N1: And the contest nearly became a fight!

Blast of Irish music as hurlers rush on to the stage and begin to play

N2: Setanta, you see was a super star

And the others you knew he'd really go far.

N1: When you took a look at the teams

It wasn't as unfair as it seems

N2: One side had about forty odd

N1: On the other side Setanta was on his tod.

N2: As the match progressed there was no one fitter

Than the bould Setanta whacking the sliotar

H1: Try as we might, we just can't win!

H2: Maybe we should do him in!

E: If you like I will kick Setanta

Or my name is not Eric Cantona

N1: Then a Wicklow lad Mylie Iscariot, says,

M I'll lock him in the boot of my chariot

All: O, ye Gods!

N2: They said, Offended.

H4: Do want us all to be suspended?

All sit down and eat snakes

N1: And they all took a commercial break

Ads

N3: Now while they were having a well-earned snack

They thought they were suddenly under attack

N2: A stranger came on to the pitch and said;

ST: I have for Setanta a message which I must deliver

Or else the boss will have my liver

ALL H: Who is the message from?

N2: They shouted:

As around the stranger they all crowded.

ST: Its from the man called King Cullen

You know, that rich guy, he's a politician.

He’s having a party – here’s an invitation

(He says you are a distant relation).

S: One problem, though – we’re not finished the match

But if he leaves the door on the latch

I’ll be there just as soon as I’m able.

Tell Cullen to keep me a place at his table.

N2: Before he left, the messenger said,

ST: I almost forgot! What a featherhead!

Don’t dawdle now, it says seven-thirty.

If you’re late, Cullen really will be shirty.

N1: The match restarted a short time after.

But a spectator would be reduced to laughter.

N2: Like watching the All-Blacks, do the hacka.

The final result could have ended in a fracka.

Enter the all blacks to do the hacka

Though Setanta now was in the lead

By a hundred goals, the boys paid heed.

H3: This hurling is a funny old game.

H4: But don’t you just love it?

N1: Was their refrain.

N2: Though injury time hadn’t yet been invented

None of the hurlers was contented

To let Setanta shame them any more.

All H: We are determined to even the score.

N2: In the heel of the hunt, they left the park

When already it was getting dark.

N1: Then Setanta let out a mighty cry,

S: What am I doing here? I really must fly!

It’s twenty-six miles to Cullen’s castle.

I’ll run all the way – it’ll be no hassle!

N1: So off he ran in his feet so bare –

He had no need of Nike-air.

N2: And just to make it tougher and harder

He’d whack the sliotar even farther

And farther than the eye could see –

And before it dropped

Whack it on the volley –

N1: Just as it stopped.

N2: I suppose you could say, that without a bother

He’d just invented the Poc Fada!

N1: As Setanta fades into the Mountains Cooley

We’ll go over live and see the hooley

Taking place in Caisleán Chulainn.

Over to you now, Donnacha Ó Dúlaing.

D: Fáilte romhaibh isteach, a chairde.

This spread would put Lucrecia Borgia

In the shade – no knife and fork!

Eat your heart out, Helen Lucy Burke!

As we look around it’s like Who’s Who.

G1: This is what I call a do!

G2: I don’t like to be effusive

But this party’s quite exclusive.

G3: Only chiefs and lords and princes.

Anybody here who minces

Or walks funny gets the door

And will never be let in any more.

G4: Yes, this is all rather pleasant.

G5: Roasted pig and quail and pheasant.

G6: Stuffed pigeon, duck and even kestrel.

N2: They knew nothing of cholesterol.

G7: I’ve never ever in my life

Seen such a spread –

Now, I must teach my wife…

To make something more than bread

G7: All the ladies come and gawk

Just to see the fashion on the walk

Fashion Parade & Music & commentary

Fanfare as Cullen enters all rises and applause.

N1: And now dear friend and subjects to

Listen to the King's address to you

C: Thank you, all my friends, for coming

To this féasta, now time’s running

Rather late, so let’s begin.

I’m quite hungry – let’s have din-din!

My guards have checked the list of guests

We don’t want those troublesome pests

Who gatecrash with a nerve and think

They’re welcome to our food and drink.

We thought we were secure, but weren’t.

Now we have a real deterrent

We’ve tried all the gadgets latest.

To find out which one is the greatest

G9: Laser beams.

G10: Alarms bells.

G11: Hatchets and some nuclear shells.

C: But in the end, to guard your station.

G12: You really need a big alsatian.

C: One guy said,

G13: O, how old-fashioned! I’m quite happy with a daschund!

C: Then we heard it from a yuppie,

G14: All you need, like, is a puppy.

C: One who’d been to the Persian Gulf found,

G15: You just can’t beat an Irish wolfhound.

C: But to change a yob into a 4-minute miler,

G16: The only answer is a big rottweiler.

C: So, we don’t bother now with judo.

We just leave it all to Lúdó.

(Enter Lúdó)

C And now we are certain sure

That in our castle we can rest secure.

Outside castle gate. Lúdó. Enter Instructors.

I1: Ceart go leor, a Lúdó, suigh síos.

While we explain your duties arís.

I2: Guard the entrance with your life.

I3: Don’t be afraid of stone or knife.

I4: If you suspect anyone as foul

Just let out an unmerciful howl.

I2: Would you like some extra rashers?

Then growl, and drool, and bare your gnashers!

I3: We’ll reward you, if you’re not dumb.

I1: With a year’s supply of Pedigree Chum.

Exit Instructors.

L: This is not my idea of fun.

O, hello there, everyone.

Just when the party gets underway

They turn to me and say, "Lúdó, stay!

Fan ag an doras! Ná bí ag tafann

(or else you’ll end up in a coffin.

But I’ve a secret nobody knows.

Just like a wolf in sheep’s clothes.

Except I’m the opposite, I’ve been telling lies.

I’m really a poodle in disguise.

Whatever you do, don’t tell anyone

Or they’ll call me a son-of-a-gun.

And that would be the ultimate shame.

If the whole world thought I was gentle and tame.

If anyone comes to the castle tonight

Don’t tell them my bark is worse than my bite!

N1: Díreach ansin, cé a tháinig isteach. Ach Setanta óg,

N2: In a state of shock

S: Tá tuirse orm Tá ocras orm freisin.

N2: Just then he heard the music session.

Music and dance (Irish)

Followed by some disco music and dance

S: The féasta now is in full swing.

I’ll go in now and say hello to the king.

N1: But Lúdó barked,

The sound of dogs howling

L: Halt! Who goes there?

S: If this is a knock-knock joke, I swear…

L: Watch your language!

S: Said Lúdó, in doggie-lingo.

L: It’s invitation only – this isn’t Bingo.

S: I’ve just run twenty-six miles or more.

N1: A marathon effort, you’ll agree, I’m sure.

S: I’m in no mood for arguments, Rin Tin Tin.

Cut the cackle and let me in.

L: If I let you in I’ll never be able

To pick the scraps from my master’s table.

It’s more than my job’s worth to let you through.

I hope you understand – you do?

S: Listen here, mutt, don't make me angry.

My name is Setanta and I'm very hungry.

N2: Then the two agreed to compromise.

L: Let’s tell a couple of little white lies.

S: We’ll say we had on heck of a fight.

L: And in the end it’ll be all right.

S: I’ll pretend to whack the ball

Down your throat and then you’ll fall.

L: Cullen will think I’m dead and gone.

S: But I’ll take care of you, we’ll carry on

As best of mates – you’re man’s best friend.

And we’ll stay together till the end.

L: Ceart go leor.

N1: Arsa Lúdó.

L: But fair is fair.

I’m trusting you, so please take care.

N2: So then they changed the course of history.

N1: but how they did it remains a mystery.

N2: Setanta pretended to whack the sliotar.

N1: But made sure he didn’t hit her.

N2: Lúdó wedged the ball in her gob.

N1: As proof to Cullen she died on the job.

N2: Then – an unmerciful cry like Maria Callas.

N1: Rang the rafters of Cullen’s palace.

N2: The fearsome cry rang through the hall

And chilled the hearts of one and all.

N1: The revelry and music ceased.

They lost all interest in the feast.

N2: The lords and ladies left the dining

To investigate the whining.

G17: What has happened?

G18: Who?

G19: What?

G20: Where?

G21: Look! I see someone over there!

 

G22: Don’t tell me my chauffeur’s been mauled

By your Great Wolfhound – or whatever it’s called.

N1: But one guest, who had stuck to Fanta

Recognised the young Setanta.

G23: How is it you’re still alive

When even Mike Tyson could not survive?

 

S: O, Uncle Cullen, I do regret

you have lost your favourite pet.

I know that dog meant more to you

Than other strays and mongrels do.

For what it’s worth, I’ll take her place

To guard you from attack and disgrace.

But please do not report me, pray,

To the ISPCA.

C: O, Setanta, my dear nephew have you been all right? Well, have you?

Your kindly offer I will accept

Though when I saw Lúdó, I nearly wept.

She cost me a hundred pound

So I’m asking you to be my hound.

But now I think I was it Euro

I' have to contact my bankers bureau

I say this now with no leg-pullin’.

From now on you are – Cúchulainn!

S: You mean?

C: Yes. Wait for it –

"You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog" etc, starts to play. All dance to music, hurlers playing their hurleys like guitars, all form tableau as music ends.

 

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